Outhouse Adventures - Inside the John

Across the Fence #340

My stories about outhouses certainly brought more stories out from behind the lilac bushes and into the light. It seems to be a subject that is near and dear to the heart of those people who once beat a path to them in all kinds of weather.

I keep telling Linda we really need an outhouse out behind our house. I was going to make it non-usable. By that I mean that it wouldn’t have any holes in the seat. Then I wouldn’t have to dig a hole under it either. I told her I could go out there and sit in the peace and quiet while writing my stories. Think of the great inspiration I could get from that setting… or is that sitting? I could even put in a reclining seat so I could put my legs up and really get comfortable. Can’t you just see a couple of legs sticking out the door of an outhouse? That would certainly make people wonder what was going on, as if an outhouse near a modern house wouldn’t be enough to set the tongues wagging.

A modern outhouse doesn’t have to be a drab place like the old ones that you and I once knew. I could decorate the inside with outhouse pictures and memorabilia and have a bookshelf with books about outhouses for your reading enjoyment. I’d even wallpaper it, with outhouse related art of course, and put in some indoor/outdoor carpeting. It could even have a seat warmer so I’d never have to sit on a cold seat again. I might even paint the outside white and call it the “White House.” I think it’s a good name for an outhouse.

Don’t you think an outhouse where I can do my writing is a great idea? OK, Linda wasn’t too crazy about it either.

I still think there are many good reasons to bring back outhouses. I’ve heard people have become so accustomed to constant noise around them from TV’s, radios, cell phones, and numerous other technology items, that they don’t know what peace and quiet is. If people aren’t listening to constant noise, they’re texting on their cell phones. Maybe what they need is an outhouse where they can sit in peace and quiet and do some thinking. And... they wouldn’t be allowed to bring a cell phone, portable TV, radio, or any other listening or viewing device. That would probably freak many people out.

I’m just trying to think outside the box, or inside the John in this case, and provide a place where people can have some quiet time, maybe even do some meditating. Have you ever tried to find a quiet place where you could sit for a few minutes and do some meditation? It’s almost impossible. That’s why we need outhouses!

However, outhouses aren’t always a place of peace and quiet. Bonnie Howell-Sherman, publisher and editor of the La Farge Epitaph News, said after my last outhouse story, “My grandma didn’t have indoor plumbing until I was seven or eight. My uncle, who ran the farm, was notorious for having Black Cat firecrackers on hand. Someone (I’m not sure who… one of the older cousins as I remember) put a firecracker in the outhouse... while occupied by our uncle. Need I say more?”

I wonder if that scared the “you know what” out of her uncle? It couldn’t be any worse than having someone tip the outhouse over while you’re in it. I’ve heard stories about that happening, but can’t personally attest to their authenticity.

As all of you who have used an outhouse know, there is one major drawback to using an outhouse as a place to write and meditate during the cold winters we experience here in the frozen tundra. It’s just too darn cold to spend any amount of time sitting there.

I mentioned that an outhouse gives you a quiet place to think outside the box, or inside the John. I’ve been doing some thinking and have come up with a solution to those cold, winter outhouses. Solar energy. I figure if I put some solar panels on the roof of my writing and meditation facility outhouse, I can generate enough heat to keep it warm and cozy during the long, winter months. Then, even if it’s snowing and the wind is blowing, I’ll be sitting in comfort in my solar-powered outhouse. Hey, don’t laugh; it just might work.

Some of you are probably thinking at this point that I’ve lost it and need to be locked in an outhouse with padded walls, until my thinking clears up. Maybe it’s still clouded by all that smoke from the trees they burned on Sherpe Road. Whatever it is, I think those of you who have been outhouse sitters know what I mean. It was a quiet, private place, away from the hustle and bustle of daily life… a perfect place to sit, think, and write.

So if you’re driving on Sherpe Road one day and see an outhouse with solar panels on the roof, don’t be surprised if you see feet sticking out the open door. That will be me kicking back in my recliner, laptop in hand, working on my next column. There’s nothing like a little thinking… inside the John.