Spittin', Spreadin', and Snortin'

Across the Fence #393

I was bouncing along on my John Deere riding lawn mower the other day when I had the urge to spit. There’s something about being outside on a John Deere that brings out the spit in me. I think my mind still associates it with those days of bouncing across the dusty fields on the old John Deere B. Those were the days when you sat on a hard metal seat and didn’t have a cab to keep all the dust and dirt off you. It didn’t take long before your mouth and nose were filled with dirt, dust, chaff and assorted flying bugs. It took a lot of spittin’ and snortin’ to clear everything out. Old habits are hard to break.

I realize the subject of spittin’ and snortin’ is a bit distasteful for those of you who weren’t raised in a rural setting and preferred a hanky or Kleenex. But there’s something to be said for the freedom of living in the wide-open country and being able to spit if you feel the need to spit. For those of you who are more refined than me, let me educate you in the art of proper spitting.

First of all, I grew up around a lot of people who chewed tobacco. Those practitioners elevated the art of spitting to a higher level than us non-chewers have achieved. On the down side of chewing, it wasn’t very appetizing to see the tobacco juice swirling around in the quart jar of water we all drank from when we worked in the tobacco field. For those of you who have never had that experience, they didn’t spit in the water jar, but when they were chewing tobacco, some of the juice was bound to get into the water jar when they took a drink. But that’s a whole other story, lets get back to ordinary spitting.

As I mentioned, there’s an art to rural spitting. Unfortunately, my mind must have wandered off and left me as I mowed the lawn the other day. The wind was very strong and rule number one of proper spitting technique is to never spit into the wind. I ignored that rule and got spit on. It’s just the opposite of spreading manure. Then you want to head into the wind so the flying manure doesn’t blow back on you. It wasn’t much fun when you had swirling winds and no matter which direction you went, you were in the line of fire. On this particular day when I was mowing, I must have gotten my spittin’ and spreadin’ techniques mixed up. I was definitely down wind. I’d like to think that I was so busy composing my next column in my mind that I wasn’t paying attention to the wind direction, but I have no excuse. I simply misfired.

That’s not nearly as bad as if I had misfired doing what I refer to as a “rural snort.” Some people refer to it as the "farmer snort." But a lot of you rural people who aren't farming do it too, so I'll call it the rural snort. Those of you who are too refined to have ever tried this may want to quit reading now. We’ve all seen people blow their nose and most of you have probably blown your nose too. But I’m talking about rural snortin’ where you don’t need a handkerchief. Now before I go any father I should warn you that you shouldn’t try this in public places. People will frown on it. But, if you’re all by yourself, bouncing along on your riding mower in the privacy of your own yard, or hiking through the woods, far from humanity, go ahead and give it a try. This is why I call it rural snortin’. It’s best to be in the country, away from other people.

This technique takes a little practice to become proficient, but it certainly saves on hankies and Kleenex. It comes in mighty handy when you need to keep one hand on the wheel of a riding mower, tractor, or car. I’d advise not doing a rural snort if you have other people riding in the car with you. Unless you’re an expert at snortin’ and know how to read the wind in a moving car, this technique is not advisable, whether you’re alone or in a car filled with passengers.

Pardon me, but I haven’t explained what rural snortin’ is for those of you not familiar with the term. I’ll need to choose my words carefully because this is a rather touchy subject. Lets say that you’re on your riding lawn mower when your allergies begin acting up from all the pollen in the air. You don’t have a box of Kleenex handy, so there’s a couple of things you could do. Stop the mower, go in the house, get some Kleenex, and blow your nose. Or, the better option is to close your mouth, put your index finger to the side of one nostril, push it shut, and blow as hard as you can through the open nostril. That should do the trick, so to speak, and you can go on your way without your work being interrupted.

Just remember, it’s not as easy as it sounds. You may want to practice this technique before attempting it from a moving vehicle and having to deal with the wind.

I hope this column has been informative and helpful to you as we head into the summer. Have a wonderful time in the great outdoors, spittin’, spreadin’, and snortin’. 

*