Is Anything Bugging You?

Across the Fence #345

I don’t know about you, but I’ve sure been bugged lately. It’s been so bad at times, I can hardly stand working outside. The pesky little gnats have been terrible this year. Some people refer to them as little black flies. Some of the names they’re called can’t be used in a family newspaper.

It doesn’t seem to matter what time of day it is, those gnats are looking for something to attack. They’ve taken a real liking to me. They form little black clouds, swarm around my head, and follow me wherever I go. It can be 100 degrees, 50 degrees, windy, calm, early in the day, or late in the evening, it doesn’t seem to matter. As soon as I step out the door the little buggers are there to greet me.

I’ve tried several products and recommendations from people who claim that the anti-bug remedies worked for them. None have worked for me. I told you they like me. I read somewhere that the little buggers are attracted to our breath because of the carbon dioxide. It seemed like a logical solution was to wear a facemask. It didn’t work. I’m as blind as a bat without my trifocal glasses, and when I used the mask, my hot breath steamed up my glasses. So that didn’t work.

One person told me that Listerine would keep them away if you sprinkle some on yourself. It was worth a try. I found an old, dirty cap, poured some on it, sprinkled a little around my neck, and for good measure, gargled with some. After all, they are attracted to our breath. Then I went forward to meet the enemy. They won again. I think they liked how I smelled, and they seemed to hone in on me from every direction. At least my hair had a nice, clean, Listerine smell afterwards. My breath wasn’t bad either.

One day I saw a product at Walgreens as I was checking out. You know how they conveniently position items near the cash register so you’re forced to examine them while you’re waiting. This little product claimed it would keep the bugs off. It was a light green, coiled bracelet to wear on your wrist. It was less than $2.00 so I decided to give it a try. I took that little, sweet-smelling thing out of its plastic wrapper and put it on my wrist. Look out bugs, here I come.

Danged if those pesky little buggers didn’t love it. They swarmed around my head as I was trying to water the new trees and shrubs I had planted. I even tried putting my hand with the colorful, smelly wristband on top of my head. Surely that would repel them. Wrong! They seem to have developed an overwhelming attraction to me, and neither sleet and hail, eye of newt, and toe of frog,
 Wool of bat, and tongue of dog, 
Adder's fork, and blind-worm’s sting,
 Lizard’s leg, and howlet’s wing, 
or a hell-broth boil, while the fire burns and the cauldron bubbles, can scare them away. My apology to William Shakespeare and the three ugly witches in Macbeth for that great potion. When all else fails, resort to witchcraft. Unfortunately, even potions and witchcraft won’t keep the bugs away.

The $2.00 I spent for that insect-repelling wristband was certainly a waste of money, but at least it gave me some good story material to write about.

I know many people have resorted to wearing hats with mosquito-type netting hanging down from it to cover your head and neck. I’d try one of them but I think most stores have sold out. Vanilla hasn’t done the trick either. It made me smell good though… like a meal for gnats.

This whole buggy experience has reminded me of similar bug problems, in the heat and humidity of Vietnam. The mosquitoes were so bad at times, that nothing would keep them off either. We’d rub mosquito repellent all over our exposed skin, but that didn’t even help at times. I think our sweat and the daily rain washed most of it off.

One morning after sitting on an ambush patrol during the night, I counted over 50 mosquito bites on my hands in the morning. Needless to say, you didn’t go slapping at mosquitoes when you were trying to stay motionless and quiet. We may have been hiding, but you can’t hide from bugs and mosquitoes.

Sometimes I think the bugs and creepy crawly critters were more annoying than anything. One time at a forward firebase, the mosquitoes were so bad, we lit a pile of empty sand bags on fire and sat in the smoldering smoke to get some relief from them. The bugs won that battle too. Eventually you have to come out of the smoke.

As long as we’re talking about bugs, who can forget June Bugs. I saw a few of the big critters on our front porch last week. When I was young, it seemed like we had thousands of them. They swarmed around the yard light in the evening and hundreds of them would be on the ground. You couldn’t walk around without hearing the crunch when you stepped on them. Now if there was some way to crunch those pesky gnats.

Oh well, I try to look on the bright side, they won’t bug us once winter weather arrives!